No, You Can't Read My Pokerface

Let's start this entry on a positive note, shall we? Mix things up a little bit. DU doesn't have classes on Fridays, so I took care of some business today. Paid my tuition bill, which was almost $3000 less than it should have been. Now, whether that will end up biting me in the ass will be a later post's problem...not now. Worked out. Turned it my very first screenplay that I wrote last night. Critiqued my classmates' screenplays (and realized mine was definitely not the worst!) Then went to a movie with a few people--saw Easy A. Seriously, a really good movie. I don't give many movies five stars, but this one deserves it. It's right up there with 500 Days of Summer. The movie is a little different than the previews make it out to be (no Lady Gaga song either) but it still makes some strong statements about being yourself. Not giving a shit what others think. And as much as I pride myself on that, I'm not doing it here. Is this how undergrad was? Pretending to be someone that's normal, nice, considerate, laughs at the jokes but not too loudly? THATS NOT ME. I am a huge sarcastic, loud, opinionated bitch. Sadly enough, the people I'm hanging out here aren't. Now do I think they wouldn't accept me if I acted that way? I don't know...but they're all very...nice. Polite. Un-crude. Innocent?

Wonderfully enough, as I'm driving back to my apartment thinking all these things about how I'm acting and who I'm hanging out with, Lady Gaga comes on the radio. It's like she knows. (At her concert, she knocked my tampon out. True Story.) I will be me regardless. I can ease them into it, but I made friends at DePauw being myself so I can sure as hell make 'em here. As Momma Monster herself says, "I'm beautiful in my way. Cause God makes no mistakes. I'm on the right track, baby - I was Born This Way!"

It doesn't mean it's easy or a downhill process. I still feel out of my element here...but its not as scary as it first was.

Cheers!

More Babbling

It's funny how I find myself telling everyone that "Denver is great", "The classes aren't too scary, yet", and "I even made a friend". I'm not sure if saying those things is to make people feel better/happy for me, or to make myself more reassured about my own life.

It's all true, I guess. I don't think I'll fail out my first quarter. I'm not sure I can keep a 3.5, but that's a different story. I do like Denver. It's not Indiana. And I did make a friend, who's really nice and accepting of the fact that she is the only person I know and invites places all the time. So really, I shouldn't be complaining. But sometimes, it just sucks have to put on this nice person front and act all proper to everyone because you're not at home with them. Just one day a week, I would like to be sitting on a couch with my friends from home cursing, saying raunchy things, and letting my hair down. C'est la vie.

Classes are done for the week. I have lots of reading, but alas the book is not in yet. I also need to write a screenplay for tomorrow. I'm not a screenplay writer. I enjoy the literary poetics used in narrative writing. And basically, in screenwriting, they consider that bullshit. UGH.

I wonder how long it takes to start feeling at home, like I did at DePauw? Or if that ever will happen since its a different kind of atmosphere.

Eh, cheers!

The Best Day

Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little bit, but it's definitely been the best day since I've been out in Denver. It's a very superficial kind of happy, but you take what you can right?

Football season started today. Colts lost. Packers won. Couldn't ask for more.

Then the VMAs were on, and my favorite person EVER (Lady Gaga) won all her awards, including Video of the Year. She was so happy, crying and shit. I just admire her because she doesn't give a SHIT. Born This Way.

And I got to talk to a whole bunch of people from home. It's nice to be reminded that even though I'm alone here, I'm not alone really.

As I watch Eminem's new music video for "Not Afraid", which keep in mind I hate the song, it really puts the song into perspective. The video is so personal. You can see his inner struggle and the way he was forced to look inside himself in order to get out of the shithole he was stuck in. So I've decided that even though his music still sounds the same, it's different. Rapping can be a very pure form of communication. Not every rap song, but I think I misjudged the genre.

And while he stands up there pouring out his life, I take the link to my blog off facebook so not every person I know can read it. Hah. It takes courage to let people in, and I've used up all mine trying to survive here.

School starts tomorrow. I can do it.

At Last

Finally, the day that I thought would never come, would always be just out of reach, has arrived and gone. Today was the busiest day I've had in weeks, and the most social interaction I've had since I've been here. First, there was my GTA meeting, where we talked about how to interact with undergrads (it's not like its hard)and what is expected of us as TAs. I'm not really concerned. My TA prof seems pretty chill and willing to let me do whatever I want. The only think that sucks is for three years I perfected my editing in Vegas, and now I have to relearn EVERYTHING in FCP. I knew it would catch up me to one day, but...I just don't want to do it! Ugh.

Then, after lunch with the Department Chair, we had Orientation with the new MFJS grad students. There are only 14 or so, and only 4 of them are Video concentrations like me. Small crowd. I thought people would be more mature in grad school, but some things are so reminiscent of DePauw that I want to vomit. Preppy, fratty, rich, douschebag boys who only want to talk about beer and partying and who sit near the 2 in round girls with too much make-up caked on and daddy's money in her Gucci bag. But whatever. There are a few cool people that I plan to associate myself with. I honestly think I'll be too busy to get too chummy anyways.

I know this sounds cliche, but I don't know if I'm smart enough for this program. She kept commenting on how here, we are all the top 10% of the class, with straight A's. And then, on top of that, as a TA, I am the cream of the crop. That's not true at all! There was no way I was top 10 %. And honestly, I got half B's and half A's. And to keep my TA position, I have to keep a 3.5 GPA. 3.5!? And especially only taking two classes (Mass Comm Theory & Scriptwriting), that does not leave much room to slip up.

Damn. I just hope it's not TOO hard. I don't want to be so overwhelmed that it's not even fun anymore. Someone pray for that.

It's been a long, stressful day. I feel no shame going to bed at 11pm tonight. I could really use my friends right about now. It sucks when the person you want to be able to make you feel better, can't.

I whine too much on here. I'm hoping I start classes and they kick so much ass so that I come on here to write about how much I love them. (Please please please).

Cheers.

The ticking of the clock has never sounded so loud.

Honestly...

I have no idea what I'm doing. I never thought moving to a new place would be this great and this shitty at the same time. I like my apartment. I enjoy living here alone. But I can't sleep at night still. I wake up every couple hours and feel tired as hell the next day.

I don't mind not knowing anybody. I don't mind sitting alone all day watching television or visiting tourist attractions alone. But I hate the idea of forcing myself to make friends because its what people expect. Though it would be nice to have something to do or someone to go places with. I guess I'm just scared to get shot down for friendship.

And I thought I didn't mind being far away from the one I love. I thought I finally was comfortable enough to not do something drastic. But again, I think I was wrong. I feel like it's one-sided emotionally here. I'm always the one bringing up visits, or missing him, or the future. GOD DAMNIT I'M THE ONE WHOSE ALONE AND SCARED SO YOU SHOULD BE TELLING ME THIS STUFF TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

This is stupid. Stupid stupid. Everything about this place is great, and I'm sure once classes start, I'll meet people and be busy enough not to care if I don't. But how will I keep the motivation to carry on this relationship if he can't switch from close relationship to long-distance.

I think I need some space.

Mile High Dreams

So it's been a while since I've written here, but finally I am all settled into my apartment in Denver. Colorado. 1,013 miles away from home. Two time zones away from my boyfriend and best friend. It's a very big change that I know is going to take a while to get used to. I did it four years ago when I went away to DePauw as an undergrad: going someplace new, away from home, where I didn't know anybody. But undergrad is catered to baby freshman and help them make friends and feel at home. Plus, I was only 2.5 hours away from home. Easy drive.

Here, it's different. I'm an adult and no one is here to hold my hand. I know I have the ability to handle it, but it still scares the hell out of me. I don't know where anything is. I don't know anybody. I'm nervous about grad school and the classes I'll be taking. But on the plus side, the city is beautiful. The first person I meet or the first person to visit me gets the experience of exploring downtown with me. I can't quite muster the courage to do THAT alone. The mountains are gorgeous. The weather is everything I dreamed weather away from the Ohio Valley could be.

I just can't wait for time to pass. Not that I want to lose it, but I want to get to the time when I feel at home HERE.