Don't Retreat, Just Reload

I'm not feeling too hot, but I wanted to update this blog on my latest adventures in Vegetarianism. I finally ventured into Whole Foods, or at least one of them in Denver, and it was wondrous. It was like the two aisles I shop in at Safeway, but expanded into a whole store. And the samples were to die for. I really do think the prices would be comparable since the organic food at Safeway is expensive anyways, might as well have a selection. We'll see what I discover there.

Another new love: Sarah Palin's Alaska show on TLC. Oh My God why did it take so long for someone to think of this? Pure genius. I found the substitute for my Sister Wives withdrawals. Hate her or love her, the woman lives one interesting life in Alaska and makes one hell of a reality show.

Finally, things have gotten a little sketchy this past week. I don't know what it is, but I can feel the distance like its palpable. People always say that separation doesn't make the heart grow stronger, it just shows you that you can live your life without that person. And I'm worried I'm hitting the point where my life is starting to redefine itself. In 6 days I go home and I'm hoping things start falling back into place. I hope they do. I don't want this to happen.

So many things. One paper. One test. One script. One flight.
Cheers.

No, You Can't Read My Pokerface

Let's start this entry on a positive note, shall we? Mix things up a little bit. DU doesn't have classes on Fridays, so I took care of some business today. Paid my tuition bill, which was almost $3000 less than it should have been. Now, whether that will end up biting me in the ass will be a later post's problem...not now. Worked out. Turned it my very first screenplay that I wrote last night. Critiqued my classmates' screenplays (and realized mine was definitely not the worst!) Then went to a movie with a few people--saw Easy A. Seriously, a really good movie. I don't give many movies five stars, but this one deserves it. It's right up there with 500 Days of Summer. The movie is a little different than the previews make it out to be (no Lady Gaga song either) but it still makes some strong statements about being yourself. Not giving a shit what others think. And as much as I pride myself on that, I'm not doing it here. Is this how undergrad was? Pretending to be someone that's normal, nice, considerate, laughs at the jokes but not too loudly? THATS NOT ME. I am a huge sarcastic, loud, opinionated bitch. Sadly enough, the people I'm hanging out here aren't. Now do I think they wouldn't accept me if I acted that way? I don't know...but they're all very...nice. Polite. Un-crude. Innocent?

Wonderfully enough, as I'm driving back to my apartment thinking all these things about how I'm acting and who I'm hanging out with, Lady Gaga comes on the radio. It's like she knows. (At her concert, she knocked my tampon out. True Story.) I will be me regardless. I can ease them into it, but I made friends at DePauw being myself so I can sure as hell make 'em here. As Momma Monster herself says, "I'm beautiful in my way. Cause God makes no mistakes. I'm on the right track, baby - I was Born This Way!"

It doesn't mean it's easy or a downhill process. I still feel out of my element here...but its not as scary as it first was.

Cheers!

Honestly...

I have no idea what I'm doing. I never thought moving to a new place would be this great and this shitty at the same time. I like my apartment. I enjoy living here alone. But I can't sleep at night still. I wake up every couple hours and feel tired as hell the next day.

I don't mind not knowing anybody. I don't mind sitting alone all day watching television or visiting tourist attractions alone. But I hate the idea of forcing myself to make friends because its what people expect. Though it would be nice to have something to do or someone to go places with. I guess I'm just scared to get shot down for friendship.

And I thought I didn't mind being far away from the one I love. I thought I finally was comfortable enough to not do something drastic. But again, I think I was wrong. I feel like it's one-sided emotionally here. I'm always the one bringing up visits, or missing him, or the future. GOD DAMNIT I'M THE ONE WHOSE ALONE AND SCARED SO YOU SHOULD BE TELLING ME THIS STUFF TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

This is stupid. Stupid stupid. Everything about this place is great, and I'm sure once classes start, I'll meet people and be busy enough not to care if I don't. But how will I keep the motivation to carry on this relationship if he can't switch from close relationship to long-distance.

I think I need some space.

The Thin Line

A lot of things have been changing recently, not just in my life, but in the lives of so many people around me. Some have been good, while others have been devastating. Some making people stronger, while some making people ask why. It makes me look at my life, reevaluate my relationships with family and friends.

I'm not sure I ever really thought about marriage and what I wanted until it seemed like everyone was thinking about it. I guess when you date someone for as long as I have, people naturally wonder when you're going to get engaged. But why? I'm only 22 years old, do I really need to be worried about getting a ring before we hit the five year mark? Is that a new law or something? What if I don't want to leave for grad school with a ring? What if I want the freedom to be me when I start a new life in Colorado? I'm not saying I'm going to break up with him, or cheat on him, but it still is nice to know that I'm not tied to something so far away. Some couple naturally fall into place, same high school, same college, same hometown, etc that easily allows them to stay together. It's not that simple for us. We're going to have to work really hard to keep our relationship strong, and I can't tell you whether I can do that or not until I'm forced to.

But then, watching all these couple get engaged that have only been dating MONTHS or even just a year or so, it seems silly, insulting, frustrating, embarrassing that I'm not engaged yet. Why not? Is it because he doesn't want to marry me? Or he can't afford the ring? Or he's in no hurry because he knows that I won't leave him? WHY. And then suddenly, I want to be engaged. But not because I want to be married anytime soon, I don't want that. But because I want to know that he wants to marry me. Wants to make sure that he doesn't lose me when I go to Denver. Something.

So really, in the end, I don't know what I want. I know what society and the people around me want me to feel, but I haven't made that decision on my own yet. It sucks trying to be the adult: acting like I'm not jealous, pretending to be happy for a couple that I am secretly wishing impending divorce on, giving the illusion that I'm okay with moving more than 1000 miles away from the person I love, and happy even though we'll be apart for two years because he won't find a job near me. My nonchalant responses to people's reaction of our LONG distance relationship will eventually wane and someone, somewhere will get the full monty of emotion.

Enough bitching. In the overall scheme of things, are my relationship woes that heavy? No. I have a coworker who just lost his dad in the most awful way possible. He should be bitching. He unfortunately earned that right. And for now, I'll worry about him and his family instead and let fate takes its course.

Cheers.