More Babbling

It's funny how I find myself telling everyone that "Denver is great", "The classes aren't too scary, yet", and "I even made a friend". I'm not sure if saying those things is to make people feel better/happy for me, or to make myself more reassured about my own life.

It's all true, I guess. I don't think I'll fail out my first quarter. I'm not sure I can keep a 3.5, but that's a different story. I do like Denver. It's not Indiana. And I did make a friend, who's really nice and accepting of the fact that she is the only person I know and invites places all the time. So really, I shouldn't be complaining. But sometimes, it just sucks have to put on this nice person front and act all proper to everyone because you're not at home with them. Just one day a week, I would like to be sitting on a couch with my friends from home cursing, saying raunchy things, and letting my hair down. C'est la vie.

Classes are done for the week. I have lots of reading, but alas the book is not in yet. I also need to write a screenplay for tomorrow. I'm not a screenplay writer. I enjoy the literary poetics used in narrative writing. And basically, in screenwriting, they consider that bullshit. UGH.

I wonder how long it takes to start feeling at home, like I did at DePauw? Or if that ever will happen since its a different kind of atmosphere.

Eh, cheers!

At Last

Finally, the day that I thought would never come, would always be just out of reach, has arrived and gone. Today was the busiest day I've had in weeks, and the most social interaction I've had since I've been here. First, there was my GTA meeting, where we talked about how to interact with undergrads (it's not like its hard)and what is expected of us as TAs. I'm not really concerned. My TA prof seems pretty chill and willing to let me do whatever I want. The only think that sucks is for three years I perfected my editing in Vegas, and now I have to relearn EVERYTHING in FCP. I knew it would catch up me to one day, but...I just don't want to do it! Ugh.

Then, after lunch with the Department Chair, we had Orientation with the new MFJS grad students. There are only 14 or so, and only 4 of them are Video concentrations like me. Small crowd. I thought people would be more mature in grad school, but some things are so reminiscent of DePauw that I want to vomit. Preppy, fratty, rich, douschebag boys who only want to talk about beer and partying and who sit near the 2 in round girls with too much make-up caked on and daddy's money in her Gucci bag. But whatever. There are a few cool people that I plan to associate myself with. I honestly think I'll be too busy to get too chummy anyways.

I know this sounds cliche, but I don't know if I'm smart enough for this program. She kept commenting on how here, we are all the top 10% of the class, with straight A's. And then, on top of that, as a TA, I am the cream of the crop. That's not true at all! There was no way I was top 10 %. And honestly, I got half B's and half A's. And to keep my TA position, I have to keep a 3.5 GPA. 3.5!? And especially only taking two classes (Mass Comm Theory & Scriptwriting), that does not leave much room to slip up.

Damn. I just hope it's not TOO hard. I don't want to be so overwhelmed that it's not even fun anymore. Someone pray for that.

It's been a long, stressful day. I feel no shame going to bed at 11pm tonight. I could really use my friends right about now. It sucks when the person you want to be able to make you feel better, can't.

I whine too much on here. I'm hoping I start classes and they kick so much ass so that I come on here to write about how much I love them. (Please please please).

Cheers.

Mile High Dreams

So it's been a while since I've written here, but finally I am all settled into my apartment in Denver. Colorado. 1,013 miles away from home. Two time zones away from my boyfriend and best friend. It's a very big change that I know is going to take a while to get used to. I did it four years ago when I went away to DePauw as an undergrad: going someplace new, away from home, where I didn't know anybody. But undergrad is catered to baby freshman and help them make friends and feel at home. Plus, I was only 2.5 hours away from home. Easy drive.

Here, it's different. I'm an adult and no one is here to hold my hand. I know I have the ability to handle it, but it still scares the hell out of me. I don't know where anything is. I don't know anybody. I'm nervous about grad school and the classes I'll be taking. But on the plus side, the city is beautiful. The first person I meet or the first person to visit me gets the experience of exploring downtown with me. I can't quite muster the courage to do THAT alone. The mountains are gorgeous. The weather is everything I dreamed weather away from the Ohio Valley could be.

I just can't wait for time to pass. Not that I want to lose it, but I want to get to the time when I feel at home HERE.

The Thin Line

A lot of things have been changing recently, not just in my life, but in the lives of so many people around me. Some have been good, while others have been devastating. Some making people stronger, while some making people ask why. It makes me look at my life, reevaluate my relationships with family and friends.

I'm not sure I ever really thought about marriage and what I wanted until it seemed like everyone was thinking about it. I guess when you date someone for as long as I have, people naturally wonder when you're going to get engaged. But why? I'm only 22 years old, do I really need to be worried about getting a ring before we hit the five year mark? Is that a new law or something? What if I don't want to leave for grad school with a ring? What if I want the freedom to be me when I start a new life in Colorado? I'm not saying I'm going to break up with him, or cheat on him, but it still is nice to know that I'm not tied to something so far away. Some couple naturally fall into place, same high school, same college, same hometown, etc that easily allows them to stay together. It's not that simple for us. We're going to have to work really hard to keep our relationship strong, and I can't tell you whether I can do that or not until I'm forced to.

But then, watching all these couple get engaged that have only been dating MONTHS or even just a year or so, it seems silly, insulting, frustrating, embarrassing that I'm not engaged yet. Why not? Is it because he doesn't want to marry me? Or he can't afford the ring? Or he's in no hurry because he knows that I won't leave him? WHY. And then suddenly, I want to be engaged. But not because I want to be married anytime soon, I don't want that. But because I want to know that he wants to marry me. Wants to make sure that he doesn't lose me when I go to Denver. Something.

So really, in the end, I don't know what I want. I know what society and the people around me want me to feel, but I haven't made that decision on my own yet. It sucks trying to be the adult: acting like I'm not jealous, pretending to be happy for a couple that I am secretly wishing impending divorce on, giving the illusion that I'm okay with moving more than 1000 miles away from the person I love, and happy even though we'll be apart for two years because he won't find a job near me. My nonchalant responses to people's reaction of our LONG distance relationship will eventually wane and someone, somewhere will get the full monty of emotion.

Enough bitching. In the overall scheme of things, are my relationship woes that heavy? No. I have a coworker who just lost his dad in the most awful way possible. He should be bitching. He unfortunately earned that right. And for now, I'll worry about him and his family instead and let fate takes its course.

Cheers.

Send Me to Wabash and Call Me a Sheep

Over the years, I've been a hit and miss blogger. I remember the cool thing to do in high school was to have a Xanga account, but that was silly adolescent bullshit. Then I tried blogging on other sites, but it never really clicked for me. So, here I am on blogspot, which seems to be the popular website of choice, trying to channel my inner blogger. I really got into blogging when I went away to Italy, so I'm hoping my upcoming changes and relocation to Denver will inspire something.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Cheers.