I have no idea what I'm doing. I never thought moving to a new place would be this great and this shitty at the same time. I like my apartment. I enjoy living here alone. But I can't sleep at night still. I wake up every couple hours and feel tired as hell the next day.
I don't mind not knowing anybody. I don't mind sitting alone all day watching television or visiting tourist attractions alone. But I hate the idea of forcing myself to make friends because its what people expect. Though it would be nice to have something to do or someone to go places with. I guess I'm just scared to get shot down for friendship.
And I thought I didn't mind being far away from the one I love. I thought I finally was comfortable enough to not do something drastic. But again, I think I was wrong. I feel like it's one-sided emotionally here. I'm always the one bringing up visits, or missing him, or the future. GOD DAMNIT I'M THE ONE WHOSE ALONE AND SCARED SO YOU SHOULD BE TELLING ME THIS STUFF TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
This is stupid. Stupid stupid. Everything about this place is great, and I'm sure once classes start, I'll meet people and be busy enough not to care if I don't. But how will I keep the motivation to carry on this relationship if he can't switch from close relationship to long-distance.
I think I need some space.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods
Showing posts with label distance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label distance. Show all posts
Monday, September 6, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Thin Line
A lot of things have been changing recently, not just in my life, but in the lives of so many people around me. Some have been good, while others have been devastating. Some making people stronger, while some making people ask why. It makes me look at my life, reevaluate my relationships with family and friends.
I'm not sure I ever really thought about marriage and what I wanted until it seemed like everyone was thinking about it. I guess when you date someone for as long as I have, people naturally wonder when you're going to get engaged. But why? I'm only 22 years old, do I really need to be worried about getting a ring before we hit the five year mark? Is that a new law or something? What if I don't want to leave for grad school with a ring? What if I want the freedom to be me when I start a new life in Colorado? I'm not saying I'm going to break up with him, or cheat on him, but it still is nice to know that I'm not tied to something so far away. Some couple naturally fall into place, same high school, same college, same hometown, etc that easily allows them to stay together. It's not that simple for us. We're going to have to work really hard to keep our relationship strong, and I can't tell you whether I can do that or not until I'm forced to.
But then, watching all these couple get engaged that have only been dating MONTHS or even just a year or so, it seems silly, insulting, frustrating, embarrassing that I'm not engaged yet. Why not? Is it because he doesn't want to marry me? Or he can't afford the ring? Or he's in no hurry because he knows that I won't leave him? WHY. And then suddenly, I want to be engaged. But not because I want to be married anytime soon, I don't want that. But because I want to know that he wants to marry me. Wants to make sure that he doesn't lose me when I go to Denver. Something.
So really, in the end, I don't know what I want. I know what society and the people around me want me to feel, but I haven't made that decision on my own yet. It sucks trying to be the adult: acting like I'm not jealous, pretending to be happy for a couple that I am secretly wishing impending divorce on, giving the illusion that I'm okay with moving more than 1000 miles away from the person I love, and happy even though we'll be apart for two years because he won't find a job near me. My nonchalant responses to people's reaction of our LONG distance relationship will eventually wane and someone, somewhere will get the full monty of emotion.
Enough bitching. In the overall scheme of things, are my relationship woes that heavy? No. I have a coworker who just lost his dad in the most awful way possible. He should be bitching. He unfortunately earned that right. And for now, I'll worry about him and his family instead and let fate takes its course.
Cheers.
I'm not sure I ever really thought about marriage and what I wanted until it seemed like everyone was thinking about it. I guess when you date someone for as long as I have, people naturally wonder when you're going to get engaged. But why? I'm only 22 years old, do I really need to be worried about getting a ring before we hit the five year mark? Is that a new law or something? What if I don't want to leave for grad school with a ring? What if I want the freedom to be me when I start a new life in Colorado? I'm not saying I'm going to break up with him, or cheat on him, but it still is nice to know that I'm not tied to something so far away. Some couple naturally fall into place, same high school, same college, same hometown, etc that easily allows them to stay together. It's not that simple for us. We're going to have to work really hard to keep our relationship strong, and I can't tell you whether I can do that or not until I'm forced to.
But then, watching all these couple get engaged that have only been dating MONTHS or even just a year or so, it seems silly, insulting, frustrating, embarrassing that I'm not engaged yet. Why not? Is it because he doesn't want to marry me? Or he can't afford the ring? Or he's in no hurry because he knows that I won't leave him? WHY. And then suddenly, I want to be engaged. But not because I want to be married anytime soon, I don't want that. But because I want to know that he wants to marry me. Wants to make sure that he doesn't lose me when I go to Denver. Something.
So really, in the end, I don't know what I want. I know what society and the people around me want me to feel, but I haven't made that decision on my own yet. It sucks trying to be the adult: acting like I'm not jealous, pretending to be happy for a couple that I am secretly wishing impending divorce on, giving the illusion that I'm okay with moving more than 1000 miles away from the person I love, and happy even though we'll be apart for two years because he won't find a job near me. My nonchalant responses to people's reaction of our LONG distance relationship will eventually wane and someone, somewhere will get the full monty of emotion.
Enough bitching. In the overall scheme of things, are my relationship woes that heavy? No. I have a coworker who just lost his dad in the most awful way possible. He should be bitching. He unfortunately earned that right. And for now, I'll worry about him and his family instead and let fate takes its course.
Cheers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)